Later this week, I hope to look at a couple of things that I think are extremely helpful in forgiving a person who has apologized and asked for forgiveness. I also want to look at a couple of tips that are helpful in asking for forgiveness. But, for today, I want to think for a little bit about what seems to me to actually be the much more common experience... What to do with the pain, when there has been no apology?
So far I have contended that it is absolutely essential if we are going to progress in forgiveness at all, that we have a clear vision of the benefits to us of forgiveness. I think the cliché is absolutely true: forgiveness is setting someone free and discovering that the person you set free is you. To forgive a person who has made no apology, we are absolutely going to have to be clear that forgiveness is worth it - for us. Second, it will most likely be a process. Even if we are extremely clear in our vision of the benefits of forgiveness, there is a strong likelihood that we will progress in forgiving a person, it won't be a we decide to forgive and we are done with it once and for all. Maybe it will work that way for you every time. You just decide to forgive and then your have. I pray that it does. I just know that it doesn't often work that way for me. I go into forgiveness expecting it to require effort - and sustained effort at that. Third, forgiveness, (and this is perhaps particularly true when it comes to forgiving a person who has not asked for forgiveness), means admitting to myself that I was hurt. I am vulnerable, and I was hurt.
I think forgiveness flows much more easily in a loving community where people readily ask forgiveness and I am longing for such a community, but, again that is not my subject for today. I'm look at about forgiving the people who have hurt me, but not asked for forgiveness. A central part of the prayer Jesus gave us is: "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us." It would seem that forgiveness must also entail forgiving those who haven't and may never ask for forgiveness. And if giving forgiveness truly is good for my soul then I do not want to wait around for someone to apologize before I forgive. That is a little like waiting for the perfect time for anything in life - starting to exercise, learn a language, ask someone on a date, get married, move, have kids, plant a new community - the perfect time so rarely comes - that we will end up spending a whole bunch of our time waiting. So, I am advocating for myself beginning the work as soon as we realize that we have been hurt - and not waiting around for an apology that may never come.
First a caveat on forgiving a person who hasn't asked to be forgiven. What I am explicitly not advocating here is remaining in an abusive relationship. That is not forgiveness. I'm also not advocating a sort of cheap throw away "We even need to forgive our abusers..." If forgiveness is a journey - I see very little wisdom in attempting to begin the journey at the most difficult of places. Related to this, forgiveness, or better I should say the concept of forgiveness, can in abusive authoritarian systems become a bludgeon that reinjures victims of the authoritarian system. "Mistakes were made, sins were committed. The Bible says you need to forgive and your unforgiveness and unwillingness to let this go is sinful." Authoritarian systems can turn the concept of forgiveness into a tool of the system. Here is a more in depth description of how an abusive system can abuse their most vulnerable members through the concept of forgiveness. If you are in a system that uses forgiveness to shield the powers that be from abuse of their power - get out. And, in time work on forgiving the people from a distance - and, I would say eventually fight the system - but, seriously, right now get out of the system.
Ok, end of caveat, which does flow into something that I have found quite helpful in forgiving when there has bee no apology. Forgiveness from a distance is possible, and often wise. Forgiveness does not necessarily entail becoming best buds with the person we are forgiving. The ideal in forgiveness is if the person was our best bud, is that after forgiveness they will also be our best bud. But, not everybody will be our best bud, and it simply may not be possible to have a restored relationship with everyone - I think that is the vision of the future - but, it may not be the target of the present. Forgiveness from a distance is possible - and at times I am convinced that the distance empowers the forgiveness. Here's couple of ways that I think this works. One the distance, the gives space and time for the wound to heal. We rest and protect our physical wounds - I think there is some real wisdom in doing the same with our soul wounds. Second, the distance can cultivate some space our souls to surface who we need to work on forgiving. If we are not in regular contact with a person. Yet they are occupying large units of our mental energy, and showing up at regular inervals in our dreams - then that is probably a pretty good sign that we are being invited into the healing journey of forgiving that person.
I'll end it here for today, and take at least one more post on forgiving someone who has not asked for forgiveness.. For today these are my summarizing thoughts some distance may be our friend. Forgiveness from a distance is not only possible - sometimes it is the wise and necessary.
So far I have contended that it is absolutely essential if we are going to progress in forgiveness at all, that we have a clear vision of the benefits to us of forgiveness. I think the cliché is absolutely true: forgiveness is setting someone free and discovering that the person you set free is you. To forgive a person who has made no apology, we are absolutely going to have to be clear that forgiveness is worth it - for us. Second, it will most likely be a process. Even if we are extremely clear in our vision of the benefits of forgiveness, there is a strong likelihood that we will progress in forgiving a person, it won't be a we decide to forgive and we are done with it once and for all. Maybe it will work that way for you every time. You just decide to forgive and then your have. I pray that it does. I just know that it doesn't often work that way for me. I go into forgiveness expecting it to require effort - and sustained effort at that. Third, forgiveness, (and this is perhaps particularly true when it comes to forgiving a person who has not asked for forgiveness), means admitting to myself that I was hurt. I am vulnerable, and I was hurt.
I think forgiveness flows much more easily in a loving community where people readily ask forgiveness and I am longing for such a community, but, again that is not my subject for today. I'm look at about forgiving the people who have hurt me, but not asked for forgiveness. A central part of the prayer Jesus gave us is: "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us." It would seem that forgiveness must also entail forgiving those who haven't and may never ask for forgiveness. And if giving forgiveness truly is good for my soul then I do not want to wait around for someone to apologize before I forgive. That is a little like waiting for the perfect time for anything in life - starting to exercise, learn a language, ask someone on a date, get married, move, have kids, plant a new community - the perfect time so rarely comes - that we will end up spending a whole bunch of our time waiting. So, I am advocating for myself beginning the work as soon as we realize that we have been hurt - and not waiting around for an apology that may never come.
First a caveat on forgiving a person who hasn't asked to be forgiven. What I am explicitly not advocating here is remaining in an abusive relationship. That is not forgiveness. I'm also not advocating a sort of cheap throw away "We even need to forgive our abusers..." If forgiveness is a journey - I see very little wisdom in attempting to begin the journey at the most difficult of places. Related to this, forgiveness, or better I should say the concept of forgiveness, can in abusive authoritarian systems become a bludgeon that reinjures victims of the authoritarian system. "Mistakes were made, sins were committed. The Bible says you need to forgive and your unforgiveness and unwillingness to let this go is sinful." Authoritarian systems can turn the concept of forgiveness into a tool of the system. Here is a more in depth description of how an abusive system can abuse their most vulnerable members through the concept of forgiveness. If you are in a system that uses forgiveness to shield the powers that be from abuse of their power - get out. And, in time work on forgiving the people from a distance - and, I would say eventually fight the system - but, seriously, right now get out of the system.
Ok, end of caveat, which does flow into something that I have found quite helpful in forgiving when there has bee no apology. Forgiveness from a distance is possible, and often wise. Forgiveness does not necessarily entail becoming best buds with the person we are forgiving. The ideal in forgiveness is if the person was our best bud, is that after forgiveness they will also be our best bud. But, not everybody will be our best bud, and it simply may not be possible to have a restored relationship with everyone - I think that is the vision of the future - but, it may not be the target of the present. Forgiveness from a distance is possible - and at times I am convinced that the distance empowers the forgiveness. Here's couple of ways that I think this works. One the distance, the gives space and time for the wound to heal. We rest and protect our physical wounds - I think there is some real wisdom in doing the same with our soul wounds. Second, the distance can cultivate some space our souls to surface who we need to work on forgiving. If we are not in regular contact with a person. Yet they are occupying large units of our mental energy, and showing up at regular inervals in our dreams - then that is probably a pretty good sign that we are being invited into the healing journey of forgiving that person.
I'll end it here for today, and take at least one more post on forgiving someone who has not asked for forgiveness.. For today these are my summarizing thoughts some distance may be our friend. Forgiveness from a distance is not only possible - sometimes it is the wise and necessary.
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