In the first post on forgiveness I looked first at it being actually good for us, forgiveness is about setting someone free and discovering that the person is you. In the second post I looked at the reality that forgiveness is a process and is likely to take time, perhaps not always, but often enough to suspect that it is going to take a little time. That is why it is so important to have a clear vision of the benefits of forgiveness on the front-end, because, it could take awhile and it may in fact be fairly difficult.
If we have a vision firmly in place and are clear that it will be a process, then we are in the best position to proceed with the work of forgiveness. In order for forgiveness to actually be forgiveness, there has to have been some actual harm, pain, or loss that has been in some part been caused by another person. This may seem obvious, but it is worth leaning into for a little bit. I, at least, face a real temptation to deny that something hurt, or to minimize the actual pain - "it was no big deal." Sometimes, perhaps often, it might not actually have been that big of deal. But, there are the other times, when it absolutely was a big deal - it hurt and it hurt quite a bit. Now there is a possibility, that I might want to say, "no big deal" for the sake of the person who hurt me, (more on that below), but more often than not, I would guess that in saying "no big deal," I am exercising a type of denial. I think at root that this denial is rooted in fear. The realization that something really hurt quite a bit, means that I am absolutely vulnerable to pain. I'm vulnerable to the vicissitudes of life, and I am particularly vulnerable to the actions of my fellow humans. I don't want to over psychologize myself, or anyone else, but I think on some level admitting any pain, insult, vulnerability means a recognition that I am vulnerable to that ultimate insult - death. (Check out the brilliant book Slavery to Death, by Richard Beck). So, to admit that something hurt, means admitting my vulnerability to pain, and all that comes with vulnerability. That is why it is so courageous. Courage has nothing to do with being invulnerable. Courage is all about being vulnerable, but moving ahead. This is why forgiveness is an act of courage. We admit that we were vulnerable, and that we were hurt. In admitting that we were hurt, we bring the real possibility into the present that we will be hurt again. This act of courage is absolutely crucial to forgiveness, because if we are actually talking about something that was "no big deal" - well, then it was "not a big deal" - and only a real asshole reacts strongly to something that was no big deal. Forgiveness is of course not necessary for something that caused no harm - that was "no big deal." So forgiveness is not saying "No big deal." "No big deal," probably is the appropriate response in all sorts of situations - but it is not forgiveness. Forgiveness means saying/admitting, even if it is only to ourselves, "man that hurt!"
Now there are times, when saying, "yes that really hurt," to another human, might be really painful for them. We need to be wise. Sometimes as noted above, we might want to say, "no big deal," as a way of sparing them pain. Sometimes this might be the appropriate response. But, what I have in mind here is the situation when someone is actually asking for your forgiveness. They feel that their actions have caused you pain and they are before you asking for your forgiveness. There may be an occasion when, it would be a kindness to say no big deal, but this should be very much the exception. In general, I think it would be wise to (as I heard Stanly Hauweras say eloquently) "tell the truth." So if it actually was no big deal - just tell the truth. But, again, I think the primary motivation in saying, "no big deal," is an exercise in denial as an attempt to protect ourselves from the truth about our own vulnerability to pain. Secondly, I would guess that the temptation to sy "no big deal," is somewhat motivated by a fear that if we admit that something hurt it might damage the relationship. Well, the reality is that the relationship is already hurt. We're hurt. Now, another person is standing before us saying, "I'm sorry I caused you pain," That's a pretty vulnerable act on their part. It seems like this is about as safe a setting as we are going to get for admitting "Yeah that really hurt." I would say this is generally the wisest and most courageous response. Because, what does "No big deal," communicate to the other person? I think whether or not this was our intention it can easily communicate, "you have very little impact on me - I'm pretty invulnerable. And you measily human that you are - do not really effect me - and well our friendship/relationship, just doesn't mean that much to me." Of course we are not saying all that, but really in a way aren't we?
Forgiveness is entering into our vulnerability and being honest about the impact another person has had on us. It is admitting our vulnerability from other humans.
If we have a vision firmly in place and are clear that it will be a process, then we are in the best position to proceed with the work of forgiveness. In order for forgiveness to actually be forgiveness, there has to have been some actual harm, pain, or loss that has been in some part been caused by another person. This may seem obvious, but it is worth leaning into for a little bit. I, at least, face a real temptation to deny that something hurt, or to minimize the actual pain - "it was no big deal." Sometimes, perhaps often, it might not actually have been that big of deal. But, there are the other times, when it absolutely was a big deal - it hurt and it hurt quite a bit. Now there is a possibility, that I might want to say, "no big deal" for the sake of the person who hurt me, (more on that below), but more often than not, I would guess that in saying "no big deal," I am exercising a type of denial. I think at root that this denial is rooted in fear. The realization that something really hurt quite a bit, means that I am absolutely vulnerable to pain. I'm vulnerable to the vicissitudes of life, and I am particularly vulnerable to the actions of my fellow humans. I don't want to over psychologize myself, or anyone else, but I think on some level admitting any pain, insult, vulnerability means a recognition that I am vulnerable to that ultimate insult - death. (Check out the brilliant book Slavery to Death, by Richard Beck). So, to admit that something hurt, means admitting my vulnerability to pain, and all that comes with vulnerability. That is why it is so courageous. Courage has nothing to do with being invulnerable. Courage is all about being vulnerable, but moving ahead. This is why forgiveness is an act of courage. We admit that we were vulnerable, and that we were hurt. In admitting that we were hurt, we bring the real possibility into the present that we will be hurt again. This act of courage is absolutely crucial to forgiveness, because if we are actually talking about something that was "no big deal" - well, then it was "not a big deal" - and only a real asshole reacts strongly to something that was no big deal. Forgiveness is of course not necessary for something that caused no harm - that was "no big deal." So forgiveness is not saying "No big deal." "No big deal," probably is the appropriate response in all sorts of situations - but it is not forgiveness. Forgiveness means saying/admitting, even if it is only to ourselves, "man that hurt!"
Now there are times, when saying, "yes that really hurt," to another human, might be really painful for them. We need to be wise. Sometimes as noted above, we might want to say, "no big deal," as a way of sparing them pain. Sometimes this might be the appropriate response. But, what I have in mind here is the situation when someone is actually asking for your forgiveness. They feel that their actions have caused you pain and they are before you asking for your forgiveness. There may be an occasion when, it would be a kindness to say no big deal, but this should be very much the exception. In general, I think it would be wise to (as I heard Stanly Hauweras say eloquently) "tell the truth." So if it actually was no big deal - just tell the truth. But, again, I think the primary motivation in saying, "no big deal," is an exercise in denial as an attempt to protect ourselves from the truth about our own vulnerability to pain. Secondly, I would guess that the temptation to sy "no big deal," is somewhat motivated by a fear that if we admit that something hurt it might damage the relationship. Well, the reality is that the relationship is already hurt. We're hurt. Now, another person is standing before us saying, "I'm sorry I caused you pain," That's a pretty vulnerable act on their part. It seems like this is about as safe a setting as we are going to get for admitting "Yeah that really hurt." I would say this is generally the wisest and most courageous response. Because, what does "No big deal," communicate to the other person? I think whether or not this was our intention it can easily communicate, "you have very little impact on me - I'm pretty invulnerable. And you measily human that you are - do not really effect me - and well our friendship/relationship, just doesn't mean that much to me." Of course we are not saying all that, but really in a way aren't we?
Forgiveness is entering into our vulnerability and being honest about the impact another person has had on us. It is admitting our vulnerability from other humans.
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